Untitled!
by ChocoboHead
Summary: That's the name of Zack's new live television show...the whole staff, the crew, and the show ideas are all FFVII based. Hosted by Zack Fair, Sephiroth, Tifa, Cloud, and Aerith.
1. Chapter 1

Zack: Hello, this is me, Zack…I'm uh…thinking…

Sephiroth: Yes, unbelievably…he does that sometimes…

Zack: Not done yet! I was thinking about doing a talk show!

Cloud: About what? What is there really left talk about? There's no current Final Fantasy VII going on now!

Zack: You know absolutely what there is left to talk about! Nothing! And that's what the show's gonna be all about!

Cloud and Sephiroth: Nothing?!

Zack: Yeah, yeah, yeah! Like that, like that!

Cloud: …Okay…

* * *

_Later that week…_

Zack: Geez, how the heck do you turn on this camera?

(Whispers)

Zack: What? It's on?

(Whispers/ camera flips up to see Zack's face…with a very, very shaky picture and very, very close)

Zack: Oh. Anyway…okay, it's the first day of the show, I've named it _Untitled_. Great, isn't it? So…I'm the host…the assistant director…the vice camera dude…and the doughnut boy! Who's the director, the real camera person, the producer, and the person that sends me to get everyone's food? Yes, it's ChocoboHead!

ChocoboHead: …

Zack: Not much of a talker, eh?

ChocoboHead: Leave me out of this.

Cloud: Name stealer!

Zack: Can ya at least have a change of view occasionally?

(nods)

Zack: Now I have to find more staff, right?

Sephiroth: Yes Zack.

Zack: _Where did you even come from?!_

* * *

"So here's the set!" Zack exclaimed, running center stage only promptly to slip and fall on his face when he got there… "And here's my beautiful co-host…" He said, crawling up and putting his arm around Aerith as she skipped past him.

"I can't Zack," she said with a reluctant smile as she inched from under his arm. "I have my own segment!" She grinned, "Why don't you ask Tifa?"

Unfortunately, for Tifa she was walking past Zack at the wrong moment…

"And here's my beautiful co-host…" He said with a smirk as he put his arm around Tifa.

"Not gonna happen."

_Craaaaack_.

"THAT WAS MY HAND!" Zack yelled, wincing.

Tifa rolled her eyes. "I'm the announcer for sponsors!" she snickered.

"Try someone else," she suggested, pointing to Cissnei.

He sighed, "…and here's my beautif—," before he even had his arm out, she's already said her answer.

"Can't. Why not Elena?"

…_three seconds later…_

"Oh hell no…" she said with a thumbs down.

Zack just tried one more time. He heard light footsteps coming down the hall…

He shut his eyes and yelled, "and here's my beautiful co-host…" he opened his eyes, "crap, scratch that…here's my co-host…Sephiroth..."

"Oh no…you just said enough then to make at least _thirty fangirls_ scream…Did you get that on camera, Cloud?"

"You bet!"

"_Guys_…" Zack groaned.

* * *

_Show time…_

"Hiya, this is my new live television show: Untitled! And this is my co-host…Sephiroth." He said in a chipper voice but frowning from today's…_earlier_ incident. "Anyway, it's a show about nothing! No, don't change the channel…nothing is sometimes entertaining…To prove that, I'll cut right to our first segment: _Aer Cam_."

"Wait, don't I get to say anything?" Sephiroth mumbled to Zack through an obviously fake smile. He wasn't exactly the happiest to be here…

"Not this time…" Zack muttered, "I'll let you read the first fan mail questions…"

"Aer Cam?!" Zack yelled, noticing that the cameras were still pointing his way…

* * *

"Earlier today, I was assigned the job of sneaking around with a camera to see what I can get on everybody…" Aerith started, pulling a remote our of her pocket. "Now to prove that 'Nothing-is-Cool' here's a clip of Zack and Cloud…"

The scene faded into a scene from earlier today backstage. Zack and Cloud stood facing each other yelling one specific word…

"Cow!"

"Cow."

"Cow!"

"Cow!"

"_Cow_?"

"Cow."

"Cow! Cow! Cow! Cow! Cow! Cow! Cow! Cow!"

The scene faded back to Aerith, "Okay…Zack went nuts…Anyway, that was a moment…_with Zack and Cloud_…Here's one with some Turk fun!"

The scene faded into a sitting room where everyone was silent except for Reno—who was snoring loudly while sleeping on the only couch in there. The two girls in the corner were hovering quietly over "the body."

The camera zoomed in to see Elena and Cissnei. Then it panned down to Elena's hand; she had eyeliner.

"Do it, Elena!" Cissnei encouraged in a loud whisper.

"I can't!"

"Well then I'll do it!" Cissnei hissed, snatching the eyeliner. Camera zooms in on Reno's face while Cissnei begins her "masterpiece."

The scene fades back to Aerith. "So, Reno hasn't woken up yet…so I'll videotape that later. We'll also find out next time what happens when you give Reno scissors...Now for an evil dude convention…"

Scene fades to Sephiroth, Genesis, and Hojo.

"So…why do we have wings?" Genesis asked Hojo, lifting an eyebrow. The trio of evil dudes were sitting in a kitchen trying not to bump shoulders.

"Hee, hee, because it looks cool."

"Why doesn't our hair defy gravity like everyone else's?" Sephiroth questioned.

"Tee, hee…because gravity defying hair is given only to heroes."

"So why do you laugh like that?"

"Ah-ha…um…I dunno."

Scene fades back to Aerith. "Uh…I'll tell you how that turns out later…Anyway, I'll turn this over to Zack so he can…I guess…introduce the next thing."

Zack: Well, I have to hand this over to Tifa so she can do the sponsor thingy…without those guys…well…_there'd be no show without commercials_…right?

* * *

(Scene cuts to Tifa)

Tifa: Are you tired of your boring cereal? Do you think you deserve to eat a better cereal? One that's endorsed by a hero? Well…we don't have one…_but we do have Cloud_…So eat Chocobo Flakes! The only cereal out there that looks like Cloud!

Sephiroth: Okay…that was…_bad_…It sounds like dandruff or something…_Our next sponsor is:_

(Scene cuts to Cloud)

Cloud: So you wanna be a hero huh? You already know that you have to be brave, have a strong heart, and be loyal to your cause…but did you know that you have to have gravity defying hair too? Well, you should use the hair gel that I use for _every mission_…

(Cloud is shoved out of the scene by our "other" hero…yes…_him_.)

Zack: This one right here! (Zack whips out giant bottle of hair gel ) Remember kids, if your hair isn't sharp enough to run someone through, you are obviously not yet a hero.

* * *

(Zack's back to where he was originally)

Sephiroth: Uh…where'd you come from?

Zack: There.

Sephiroth: Okay, so now we're going to answer fan mail. Zack, will you get the computer?

Zack: I already have it!

Sephiroth: Okay…first letter is for Zack.

Zack: Okay! One for me!

Sephiroth: _Zack, I was playing Crisis Core the other day and I saw a Genesis clone rip you off your motorcycle by your hair…I was wondering, were you and that clone dating or are you just friends?_

Zack: Uh…that's a strange one…Um…I'm in no relationship with any of the clones…I hate to burst your bubble or anything, but I'm kinda dating _Aerith_ at the moment…so yeah…Genesis and I…we're mortal enemies…regardless of the game or not. Therefore, I don't see this "paring" in the near future…

Sephiroth: _Next_?

Zack: _Yup_. This one's for you Sephiroth…Actually, it's for _Sephy-kuns_…but I still think that means you…anyway, it says: _Sephy-kuns can I braid your hair?_

Sephiroth: No.

Zack: Well, since these questions are uncomfortable, this is our first show, and there are only questions left by fangirls who wait at our doorsteps…we don't have that much content so we'd appreciate an audience to watch our little show so please, tune in next time for another great episode of Untitled!

* * *

**Okay, this is where you guys come in!**

**'Untitled!' needs people to ask questions for anyone in Final Fantasy VII (and I mean anyone, Zack, Cloud, Sephiroth, Aerith (or Aeris if you prefer), Cissnei, Vincent, Yuffie, Tifa, Angeal, Genesis (etc.) and make them as strange as possible, okay? Just send a review and in it I want you to first say who this question is going to and then your question (if you want to include your name go ahead, but you don't have to.) (Remember, I just need these as suggestions, I can't obviously use all of these! Or else Zack would get tired.) I own none of the main characters or else i would've made Loz type this...**


	2. Chapter 2

_Backstage:_

Zack: This is our official second episode of "Untitled!" Yay! Okay guys! ChocoboHead got a brand new camera during our "off season" so now our clips won't be in such shaky quality!

(Camera falls over)

Zack: Dammit!

Sephiroth: um…sorry. My bad.

* * *

_Showtime: (with the old camera may I mention…)_

"Hiya guys! I see we have a whole new audience now," Zack yelled, for no apparent reason. Actually, the studio was still empty _despite_ the small crowd…

"Today we are gonna start this up with something "fun" and talk about…" Sephiroth's fake grin faded, "character bashing…oooh…wee…" That was actually depressing enthusiasm. I never knew there was such a thing.

"You ooze happiness, Seph." Zack mumbled under his breath.

"We'll allow our "elders" talk about this." Zack laughed creepily, doing his "air-quotes." Sephiroth scooted slowly away from him. "Let us introduce…" he snickered, "A-Angeal…Vi-Vin…Bwahahaha…I-I honestly didn't…"

"Yeah, Yeah, we're having Angeal, Vincent, Cid, Barrett, and…Yuffie complain about character bashing and why it hurts," Sephiroth said seriously, "Why Yuffie is counted as a Final Fantasy VII "elder" is a total mystery…also, may I ask why she's the _only_ female?!"

The characters walk onto the set. Angeal last, wiping everything set up for _Aer Cam _out with his wing.

"Now, will you all explain why you all do not speak with each other?" Sephiroth questioned.

"Observe," Vincent muttered.

Everyone watched carefully as Vincent stood up...

"Hi."

_Eighty-two-hundred-and-one-half- fangirls scream._

Vincent plopped down in his seat, "This is why we do not speak to each other."

"I don't get it," Zack said, "They just screamed for you."

"No. Watch. Angeal, just say hi to Zack."

"I…don't want to."

"Why?"

"Have you seen YouTube? C'mon guys, I'm not stupid."

"Axel and Reno said that once…" Yuffie said, "Poor, poor Axel…" She shook her head at the sad memory.

"Yeah," Cid muttered, "the poor kid committed suicide…met a fiery demise too."

"We are not here to talk about Reno's "relationship issues." We are here to talk about why Aerith comes to me crying about _this fanfic_ and _that fanfic_." Zack nodded, "apparently people are getting bullied."

"Women mostly," Barrett agreed, "I don't appear in many stories so…" He got up and left. I mean seriously, he left.

"But seriously, stop bashing the only women we have, or else things like _this_ will be more and more," Vincent warned.

"And then Vincent will cry," Zack added.

"Yeah… (I would like to see that, though) but why are we talking about this crap anyway? I'm bored." Yuffie grumbled

"Yeah."

"Yup"

"Yeah, I'm gonna go too," Sephiroth agreed, sneaking offstage.

"Well, we're gonna…go to _Aer Cam_ now…" Zack grinned uncomfortably from his spot from where he was completely alone. "NOW!"

* * *

"Hi guys, as you know. I have been hired to sneak around the set to see what I can get on people. Now, I am going to prove 'Nothing-is-cool' by showing a moment _with Zack and Cloud._

The scene faded into a clip of an incident from this morning that happened backstage.

"Cloud, have you ever killed anyone with your hair?" Zack questioned, pointing to one of the dangerous looking spikes.

"No."

"Do you plan to?" Zack asked hopefully.

"No."

"Even if you were paid?"

"No."

"Does your hair scare small children?"

"N...Yes. That's why I cut it before we all became "Hi-def" so Denzel would stop staring at me and Marlene would stop crying."

"I wonder…"

"What are you thinking?" Cloud demanded.

"Cloud…let's make a bet."

"What kind of bet?"

"Well, I suppose that if you do _not_ surprise Tifa if you let your…" His voice trailed off. Swiftly he turned his head around to face the camera, "Aerith out. I see you."

"Oh, darn... battery…" she whispered as the camera shut off.

The scene faded back to Aerith looking quite embarrassed. "Who will win? What are the consequences? What is the bet anyway? Tune in soon to find out! I guess if we see some "sudden change" in one of our characters… Speaking of which…

The scene faded from Aerith to a room with Elena, Cissnei…and…A very red and very angry Reno.

"Can you two tell me why my face is red?" He asked them both.

Both girls shook their head as they tried to retain their giggles.

"Can you two tell me why suddenly my _red_ hair dye is suddenly missing?"

"…No…" they answered in unison, both trying not to snicker.

"Yo, it's on my face isn't it?"

"Maybe…" They laughed.

"So whose idea was it?"

Both girls pointed to each other.

"Well fine," Reno said quite calmly. After a long pause, "Then you BOTH will die!"

He lunged at both girls who struggled to push each other out of the way so that they could get out. "YOU'RE DEAD!" He screamed.

The scene quickly faded back to Aerith, "that's enough of that…" She held up her index finger, "and the real problem is that now we're both out of hair-gel and hair-dye…we will really get to see the _**real**_ characters in a few days…" She giggled, "Now, here's a clip from this morning of me, Sephiroth, and Kadaj, enjoy."

The scene faded to a pale grey hallway and you could hear Aerith's voice coming from behind the camera.

"So, why don't you like me at all Sephiroth?"

"It's not that I don't like you…I do," he shoved his hands into his pockets, _"_but…It's my story character, you know?"

"It's okay, Brother," Kadaj reassured, "_Mother_ likes me best anyway."

"Awww, Kadaj! You're too cute!" Aerith's hand reached out from behind her camera and pinched her "son's" face.

"She is not your mother!" Sephiroth murmured.

"Yes I am, and I can adopt you too Sephie!" She cooed, hugging Kadaj to death.

"…Need…air…" he gasped.

"Do not…" Sephiroth warned, "make yourself die a second death, woman."

"Don't threaten my mommy!"

"She's not my-_your_ mommy-_m-mother_…"

"Yes, she is! And Zack's my daddy."

_The camera tips over…_

You can only see Aerith's limp arm and two pairs of boots.

"What the _hell_ did you do to her, Kadaj?"

"I dunno…is she choking?! Sephiroth do you know CPR?"

"No way am I doing mouth-to-mouth!"

"Well what happens if she's dead?!"

"Hell if I know, she's already dead, isn't she?!"

"That's her character, right? RIGHT?!"

Scene fades back to Aerith… "Um…no comment, really…"

Zack: (coughing/laughing) o-okay, let's answer some questions…"

* * *

Sephiroth: okay, this one's for Genesis…I do not want to say it aloud but… (Clears throat) Lioneh asks: _Genny, can I have one your feathers? I mean COME ON, you are always shedding them. I want to know how soft they are..._

Genesis: Well Lioneh, if you follow me around all day with a broom and pick up all the feathers I shed you can keep them. I really have no need whatsoever for them anyway.

Sephiroth: Since you're here Genesis, you read the next question.

Genesis: (looking at computer screen) for Zack: _Lioneh also asks, can you fetch?_

Zack: No.

Aerith: Zack, could you go get my cell? I think I left it in the car…

Zack: now?

Aerith: pretty, pwetty please, Zackie?

(Zack gets up and gets Aerith's stupid phone)

Aerith: To answer your question, Lioneh, yes. Yes, he does fetch if you ask. (Winks) The next question is for Sephiroth: _why is it that every time I see a picture of you, you are killing someone, or there is fire in the background?_

Sephiroth: Oh, that is easy. That is what I am known for. I'm always killing somebody or I am burning down random villages. Do you people know how many Nibelheims we had to go through when we filmed both Final Fantasy VII and Advent Children? It was like forty sets… And plus…I do not think that if I was known for standing in an empty field back-to-back with my ex with the camera on my chest…well, that wouldn't be so awkward…with the camera on my—

Aerith: COMMERCIAL BREAK!

* * *

(Scene cuts to Tifa...quicker than usual)

Tifa: Do you have problems with cosplay costumes? Do you want to look exactly like the character? Well I have one thing to say to you…

Cloud: Stop. Stealing. My. Clothes.

Zack: Short, and to the point…_our next sponsor is…_

* * *

(Scene cuts to Cloud and Zack)

Cloud: Have you ever gotten your head stuck in the toilet?

Zack: No, what the heck are you trying to sell?

Cloud: Well now, you don't have to!

Zack: That's great!

Cloud: …

Zack: Do you mind…Y'know…finishing...up the commercial?

* * *

Zack: Okay, I'm back. What did I miss?

Aerith: (checking missed calls) my mother…Reno…Cloud…and Leon.

Zack: (angry face) who is this 'Leon' dude of whom you speak?

Aerith: Next question! To Cloud: _dear Cloud, why have I never seen you kiss Tifa or Aerith or any other girl? Is it because you know your spiky do' will poke their eyes out? I'd be willing to kiss you even if it meant having a scar...  
WHY ARENT YOU MY BOYFRIEND?! WHY?!_

Cloud: um…uh…um…

Tifa: I have been curious about that too, Cloud…

Aerith:…_yeah_…

Cloud: um…uh, well…

Zack: let me answer for my vocabulary-challenged friend. Square-Enix actually made all us guys here sign a contract not to make any "real" physical contact with the girls until we were all done with the game…but since our part is over currently…Go ahead, Cloud.

Cloud: YOU DID NOT HELP AT ALL.

Zack: Never said I would.

Tifa: Do something. Actually, kids, Cloud hasn't kissed a girl **ever**…

Cloud: was that necessary?

Tifa: Very much.

Cloud: Now?

Tifa, Zack, Aerith, Sephiroth, everyone else: yes, you idiot.

Zack: Even Sephiroth has kissed a girl.

Sephiroth: (mumbles) I have?

Zack: (whispers) Play along…

Cloud: okay…if you guys say I should…

Tifa: well, we're not gonna forc—

_Every Cloti fan on the planet screamed very loudly and hurt all the Zerith fans' poor little eardrums._

Zack, Aerith, Sephiroth: _Holy crap!_

_(Waits)_

_..._

_..._

Zack: (staring) Do they ever come up for air?

...

_(Waits)_

_..._

Aerith: (staring) Zack, it's not nice to...stare...

...

Sephiroth: (twitch-twitch) you two should get up…or else we will not be able to…finish…our…OH, GET A ROOM!

Zack: Since Cloud… (Looks onto floor)…is a little pre-occupied…I'll read the next question…oh; this should wipe the mood _right out_. At least from her. To Tifa: _Tifa, did the producers of FFVII: Advent Children force you to remove your breast implants?_

_(Long pause.)_

_..._

Tifa: WHAT?!

Zack: Okay, keep sending in those questions! So, please tune in next time for another awesome episode of "Untitled!" We will see…a lot of...cool stuff. Including…what happens when we all run out of hair-dye. I have naturally black hair, so we do not have to worry about me… (Nervous chuckle…shifty eyes)

Tifa: THEY'RE REAL! _REAL_!

Cloud: (from floor) sure they are, Tifa.

Tifa: And what is that supposed to mean?!

Cloud: I was just…agreeing with you…

* * *

**_Episode two! This is where you people send in your awesome questions to the Final Fantasy VII bunch. You people were awesome last time and even Zack had milk+nose=? thing going on once. So anyway, the questions can be for anyone, just as long as they're awkward and funny. Suggestions are great too. _**

**_Yes, I do plan to go "beyond-the-hair-dye" soon, so watch out. Can anyone guess what the real hair colors are? I can't... But I shall investigate! I own none of the main characters and if I did I would throw a HUGE party and invite them all and you. Oh yes, I know who you are...creepy..._**

**_Happy...November...I guess... (festive, huh?)_**


	3. Chapter 3

_Backstage: _

Zack: Oh yeah! Third show airing…now! Before we begin I'd like to tell you people one thing…can I say it? Now? Ready? I just ate pocky and it is awesome. This is my first time eating a…well, you know I'm not going to say that while on camera because however I put it, you'll take it the wrong way…

Reno: (faintly from other room) chocolate covered stick!

Cloud: I am never going to eat pocky again!

Zack: You see? What did I tell you! Now you are laughing at me for saying I ate it. And now…

Reno: Dude, stop talking and start the show already, you're making it worse.

* * *

_Showtime!_

"Hello peoples! I see we have a decent turnout today!" Zack grinned at all twelve senior citizens in the studio. (Including his grandma) "AM…I…SPEAKING…LOUD …ENOUGH?" He yelled slowly.

"When do we get our soup?" One man yelled, rasping.

"The cafeteria is next door. This is 'Untitled!' a TV show."

"Oh! Well this is boring! C'mon Beatrice, Matilda…the rest of you."

_The old people walked out._

"You don't know what you're missing!" Zack yelled at them all, "Besides, we haven't even started yet!"

_Then the fangirls come in._

"Sorry we're late," one girl with long blonde curls said in a wispy voice.

"Roxas and Riku were across the street," one stated, tucking her short spiked red hair behind her ears.

"Fighting over Sora!" A tiny black haired girl squealed, waving her arms in the air.

A tall, tan boy standing behind the dozens of girls yelled, "It was a keyblade fight!"

"Sure, sure…"

They decided to sit down and Zack continued with his show. "Okay…anyway, has anyone seen Sephiroth?"

Everyone's attention turned to under the desk.

"Seph?" Zack asked.

"Did you know how much gum is under here?" Sephiroth asked, climbing out from under the desk center stage, "it's gross."

"Why were you…never mind. Today, we have a game to play with you all!" Zack clasped his hands together.

"It's called 'Who's Under Vincent's Cape?' We're going to show you an excerpt from Advent Children and you get to guess who is under the cape."

_(Vincent walks out with Cloud and they begin to start the scene from Advent Children)_

_**(Tiny white tennis shoes are seen from under Vincent's cape)**_

**Cloud: Are sins ever forgiven?**

**Vincent: I have never tried.**

**Cloud: You mean…never tried...**

Zack: Stop! Who is under the cape?

Sephiroth: (raises hand)

Zack: Yes? …Sephiroth.

Sephiroth: Is it Marlene?

Zack: Vincent, who is under your cape?

_(Vincent raises cape to show a grinning Marlene.)_

Marlene: Hellooo!

Zack: Now the other side.

_(Vincent raises other side of cape.)_

Cloud: I see dead people.

Aerith: (from under cape) Hellooo!

Zack: (from under cape) Hiya!

Sephiroth: Um…Zack, how can you be both under the cape and standing here at the same time?

Zack: There is two of me.

Sephiroth: No, seriously.

Zack: (from under the cape) he is not lying! I'm his brother that girls like better. I'm Zax.

Zack: Shut up. At least people know who I am!

Zax: On the other hand, the girls still love me more. The 'X' at the end of my name is way cooler too.

Aerith: (pokes Zax) Wow, he's real…

Zax: Yeah, I'm better too. (winks)

Fangirls: Oooooh...

Zack: Well, we're going to cut straight to Aer Cam so if you please Aerith, do your segment.

(Aerith jumps up and runs center stage)

* * *

"Hello people! As you know, I have been hired to go around and see what your favorite characters are up to when you're not watching. To prove 'Nothing-Is-Cool' here is a moment with Zack and Cloud.

(The scene faded to a clip with Cloud banging on a white door.)

Cloud: Zack, are you sniffing permanent markers again?

_Pause_

Zack: …no…

Cloud: Then why is every black permanent marker in the studio missing?

_Pause_

Zack: No rea—(_cough cough_) reason.

Cloud: I can smell the marker.

Zack: Ohmygosh! It'slemonscented! (Oh my gosh it's lemon scented!)

_Pause_

Cloud: It is not. (Opens door to see Zack with his head slumped on a desk, permanent marker in hand)

Cloud: What the hell are you doing?

Zack: We're outta hair dye.

Cloud: So you're trying to color your hair with a black marker?

Zack: (_nod nod_)

Cloud: You're gonna kill your brain cells.

Zack: Correction, brain cell! He's a good brain cell too. I named him Brian. Brian the brain cell. No matter what I do to him, he stays alive.

Cloud: I'm just not gonna ask anymore…

Zack: (shrugs and goes back to coloring his hair with the marker.)

The scene faded back to Aerith. "Well, apparently," she laughed, "it worked." Aerith looks at Zack rocking back and forth in a corner going into hysterics. "Now…we'll see our favorite Turks."

Scene faded to Cissnei, Elena, and Reno. Reno was "passed out" on the couch again.

"Is it true, Cissnei? Really, really?" Elena pressed, staring back and forth from the copper haired Turk to the red haired Turk.

Cissnei sighed, "_Maybe_…"

Reno promptly stuck his thumb in his mouth. "Awww…yes!" She admitted.

"Then tell him!"

"No, I can't."

"Why not?"

"He has a hangover. I don't know what'll happen!"

"He'll make out with you."

Both girls turned away and gagged. "Ew, no."

"Just tell him that you like him, Cissnei. Right now. He won't remember in the morning," Elena assured her friend with a smile.

"What?! I can't do that!" She yelped, "I can't just poke him and say, 'Reno, I like you' then leave."

Reno bolted up from his spot, causing both girls to scream at the top of their lungs. "Wha—? Huh?" He turned his head wildly around before stopping, dizzy.

"Nothing!" Both girls said at the same time.

"No, no," he said, staring at the copper haired Turk, "one of you said something." He stood up walking over to the both of them, a big, smug grin of his face. Finally he stopped, "it's so good to be loved!"

He picked Cissnei up off the floor and trapped her in a vise-like grasp.

"R-Reno, you're gonna break Cissnei!" Elena yelled surprised, trying to pry her friend loose.

"Air! Air!" The tiny, trapped Turk gasped, "I need…Air!"

The scene faded back to Aerith. "They did get Cissnei's feet to touch the floor but…Reno's still stuck to her. He gets all sentimental and romantic when he's drunk. He'll forget all about it…tomorrow…hopefully. Here's Genesis in a duck suit and Zax being interviewed by Cloud."

"So, dude. Why are you dressed as a _duck_?" Zax questioned, leaning back into a chair.

"Did you see Crisis Core?" Genesis questioned, flapping two black wings taped to his arms.

"No."

"Oh," Genesis said a bit surprised, "I have enough feathers fall off of me to make a duck suit. So I did."

"Oh…" Zax said, leaning further backward, "I have nothing to do with Crisis Core. I keep the fangirls entertained in a different manner than my brother does."

"Like how?" Cloud asked the violet-eyed twin.

Zax winked, "You've never heard of me?" Then he almost sang it out with a big grin, "_Cloud-chan_."

Genesis gagged.

"I don't get it," Cloud mumbled.

"He's…He's…" Genesis stuttered, trying to get the word out.

"Actually, you got it all wrong." Zax laughed, "I just paid _a lot _to be apart of Cloud-Chan's life."

Cloud still sat there confused, "huh?"

Genesis puked on his shoes.

A random fangirl rushed in and bowed before plopping down on Zax's lap. She giggled as she got comfortable. "May I?" She asked, twisting a dark curl around her finger. He nodded.

Sighing, she started, "Zax, the first-class SOLDIER of whom Cloud lives with. They soon fall in love with each other and just as the feelings begin to peak…" She clasped her hands to her heart, "…Zax takes a bullet to the heart to save Cloud's life and falls quiet to his untimely death. Cloud mourns the loss and constantly has to think about the death of his one and only love…" she began to cry, "and-and—and …he takes on Zax's own persona. Then his current girlfriend dies…and the tragic memories return." She sniffed.

"Thanks, good job," Zax whispered into her ear, "go get a cookie."

"Yay, cookie!"

She got up and left.

Cloud turned pale green.

The scene faded back to Aerith who was also a pale green. Then every man in the studio puked on his own shoes at the same moment—except for Zax of course.

* * *

"I'm…gonna try…to…answer your questions. Let's start." Zack began. He took a deep breath, "Okay, for Cloud: _did you become emo after Seph told you that you were a clone? I hope not, with that sword you could cut off your arm XD!"_

Cloud: (recovering) No, I became emo…wait, I'm not emo…anyway, I became _depressing_ (like that's any better) after Aerith's death…no, after…after…after I began to think her death was important. Wait…that didn't come out right!

Aerith: No, it came out _just_ right Cloud.

Zack: (clicks tongue) Yeah, the girl that dies to save your ass isn't important?

Cloud: No! No! I didn't mean…next question! For Reno: _Are you secretly a girl 8D? Who's a lesby?! Be who you are! WE love more girl power XD AND BEAR SEPHIROTH CHILDREN! WE KNOW YOU LIKE HIM!  
_

Reno: (STILL clinging to Cissnei) What the hell? Besides, if I were les why would I bear Sephiroth's children if he's a dude?

Everyone: Uh…

Sephiroth: You fangirls are crazy! Next question!

Zack: Um…here's one: _Why didn't ANYBODY of the crew ever told Sephiroth of his real biological mother __Lucrecia?__ Could it not have prevented him from  
becoming MAD and trying to destroy the world?_

Vincent: Hojo brainwashed his own child into thinking his beautiful mother's name was Jenova. Sephiroth would believe nobody if they told him otherwise. If somebody told him at the exact moment he was in the reactor, that _may or may not_ have prevented Nibelheim burning down.

Lucrecia: Vincent, he knows I'm his mother.

Vincent: Lucrecia, you're okay.

Lucrecia: Yeah, I have been backstage since the show started.

Vincent: Oh…

Aerith: Has anyone noticed she looks like my mother? I mean my biological mother. IS YOUR NAME REALLY IFLANA?!

Lucrecia: No…

Iflana: (raises hand) my name is Iflana.

Zack and Zax: Nobody cares.

Sephiroth: Mommy!

Aerith: (sighs) Next question… Leoneh asks For Genesis: "_Why exactly is LOVELESS so thick? The poem itself is only five acts and a prologue...is the font HUGE or  
something!? o_O"_

Genesis: LOVELESS not only has a prologue but it also has an introduction. The commentaries and each act are extremely long. I only quote what I can remember. Zack knows the WHOLE THING.

Zack: (begins quoting LOVELESS) "When the war of the beasts brings about the world's end…"

Genesis: Next question? Yes, for Reno: _What the bloody happened to Axel D8... I must know!_

Reno: I have no comment about the identical character Axel or the issue with the accidental fire cause by said Axel…Nor did I have anything to do with his suicidal attempt…

Axel: Oh yes, and I am just poofing in to inform you all that this month is Anything Can Happen Month so yes; I am here and now… (Poof)

Everyone: HUH?!

Reno: The next question is for Angeal. Heh, well it ain't really a question. This is from a fangirl: _can you stuff yourself in a box and send yourself to me?_

Angeal: Am I paying for postage?

Zack: Next question! One for me: "_8D... Become gay and have children! WOITH... ANGEAL 8D actually I prefer Genesis, but your pick." _What the...?!

Genesis: *pukes on shoes*

Zax: Genny is allergic to yaoi.

Genesis: Shut up you…you…

Cloud and Sephiroth: Don't finish it, don't finish it, don't finish it…

Zack: WE NEED TO KEEP THIS PG-13! I used movie ratings, aren't you proud of me?

Aerith: And your answer is, Zack?

Zack: HAVE YOU PEOPLE LEARNED NOTHING?! That has to be the most awkward and bizarre question… (Rambles on and on)

Cloud: It is true that Zack is the only one here that truly acts like a guy in all senses in Final Fantasy VII. Even Reno has his days…

Reno: (sill clinging to Cissnei (now for unknown reasons))

Aerith: Well, thank you all for watching! I hope you enjoyed another great episode of "Untitled!" and keep sending in those questions!

Zack: (still babbling on about male pairings) and another thing, why the hell am I continuously paired with Genesis anyway? We're enemies and plus, I hardly know the guy…

Zax: And prepare to see some more awesome stuff! Especially after I take over the show! (Evil laughter) Heh. (Dorky grin)

* * *

_**Episode 3! You guys are so awesome with the questions! Keep sending them in! Make them as awkward and funny as you can so the charaters can have some fun with it. I'm sorry but I couldn't help but add Zax in. (I've been reading fan comics (doujinshi)and I like the art.) Zax is awesome. Have you ever noticed that one version of Zack has blue eyes while the other version is violet? That's Zax. I don't own him. (even though I wish I did.)**_

**_I don't own Final Fanasy VII or the main characters...or Zax. (That's depressing) If I did though, there would've been a Miss Zack too. (It's the only way to wipe Miss Cloud from my memory)_**


	4. Chapter 4

(Backstage)

Zack fiddled with the camera until it shakily pointed to himself. "Guys, I know that the shows haven't come up lately but…I've been extremely busy and the funding for the show is…"

"Stop making excuses! You broke the other camera!" A voice shouted.

"Shut up, Rufus! Like I said the funding…"

There was a slight pause as Zack winced into the camera. He looked down. "ChocoboHead? Can you please…get Zax off my leg?"

A voice behind the camera laughed. "No. It's not my fault he bit you."

Zack yelped and dropped the camera. "Ack! Get 'im off! I pulled him off you!"

"Yeah…fifteen minutes after the fact…look at poor Cloud over there."

Cloud huddled deep into the far corner of the greenroom. "Mother…I think I just lost my innocence. MOTHER!"

Zax got up, picked up the camera, and looked into it. "Actually, I just spoke to Cloud…nothing happened. Why does everyone assume that I do something bad when I just happen to be around people?" He sighed, "I do have a girlfriend, y'all know that right?"

Everyone paused and glanced over at Zack's violet-eyed twin. "What?!" They all said in unison.

Zax groaned. "I'll be in my room."

Rufus looked over at Zack and ChocoboHead. "I think he's mad."

* * *

(Showtime!)

Zack stared out into the audience for the show. His eyes widened at the turnout. "Holy crap!"

The (large) audience stared back. The youngest fan—who was only six—stood up.

"Mommy, Mommy! Mister Zack said a bad word!" She accused.

"I did not!"

"Did too!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

"Nuh-uh!"

"Uh-huh!"

An idea popped into Zack's head. "Uh-huh!" He said.

"N-nuh-uh!"

"Thank you for agreeing with me." He went over to the desk and sat down. Suddenly, he jumped up.

"Seph! W-why are you asleep in my chair like that?!" Zack sputtered.

Sephiroth got up and moved over to his own chair. Pajamas and all.

"My room smells funny."

Every fangirl in the audience was in awe of Sephiroth in his PJs

"That doesn't give you option to sleep on set!"

Sephiroth gave a dark chuckle. "So?"

Regardless of his sleep attire…Sephiroth could still strike fear into the hearts of millions with just a single glance.

Zack's voice cracked. "Uh…I think I'll move on to my argument for today…" He gave a nervous laugh as he proceeded.

"Okay, due to popular request we got Kunsel to show up here. He will be in a few of the informative segments…blah, blah, blah. You know what though; I learned over the years that no matter what you try you couldn't prove Kunsel wrong. I don't know why he isn't a 1st yet…"

Kunsel walked on stage, wearing his usual uniform and military helmet. "It's because every time you went drinking…I got blamed and my pay got docked. The only reason you became a 1st is because Angeal suggested it."

"Ah…man, you still sore about that?"

"Yes."

Zack decided to change the subject. "Dude, how come you never take off the helmet?"

"It's my uniform."

"But…we're not doing Final Fantasy games now…we're just…goofin' off."

Kunsel shook his head. "No. I don't want to take off my helmet."

A strange grin crossed Zack's face. "I know a guy…who thinks you're a _girl_…because you wear the helmet."

Kunsel's voice cracked, "What the hell?!"

A second "Zack" charged across the stage…tackling Kunsel and knocking the poor guy to the floor.

"TAKE OFF THE FRIGGIN' HELMET!"

As the audience, Sephiroth, the writer, and everyone else on/off stage stared at Zack, Zax, and Kunsel tumble off the platform, Sephiroth decided this would be the best time to start Aerith's segment.

"I suppose it's time for "Aer Cam?"

Everyone silently agreed…except for the fighters, of course…

* * *

Aerith was shoved center-stage to do her segment.

"O-kay then! Today we have an interesting video…Here is a moment with Cloud, Zack, and Vincent…

(the scene faded to Cloud, Zack, and Vincent standing outside of a dressing room)

Cloud: So…how many toads to you have to lick?

Zack: I dunno…like four maybe…

Cloud: Vincent, I know you must know! How many toads do you have to lick to get high?

Vincent: …

Zack: I'm gonna take that as two.

Cloud: That's too few. It has gotta be at least four.

Vincent: …

Zack: No, three.

Cloud: Seven!

Vincent: …

Aerith: (whispering) it is five. You'd expect them to know that!

The scene faded back to Aerith as she gave a weary smile. "Don't try that at home children, only Ancients can do this without killing themselves. Next scene: "A rivalry between the Fantasies."

* * *

(The scene faded to Tseng yelling into a telephone.)

Tseng: Well, you can forget that buddy! Final Fantasy VII is the best and there is no way that we are going to merge with some... Wait, how much are you going to pay…?

Cloud: Who's that?

Tseng: It is Final Fantasy VIII's people. They claim you ate IX so they want in.

Cloud: Final Fantasy IX…never heard of them.

Tseng: The kid with the tail.

Cloud: Oh, that guy that gets along with Yuffie so well…the thief…

Tseng: Yes and Final Fantasy VIII says because you ate the kid…

Cloud: I ate nobody.

Zack: OH! HA! I GET IT! SEVEN ATE NINE! AHAHAH! SEVEN "EIGHT" NINE! FUNNY!

Tseng: Poor kid.

The scene faded back to Aerith. She sighed, "Now…we FF7 people are in trouble…FF8 wants to EAT US!"

Zack, yelling from his fight—Kunsel gone but Zax still punching at his twin's nose—screamed, "Shit! We're all gonna die!!"

"Lovely irony, Zack, brilliant."

"Thank you."

* * *

Aerith's phone rang and she tried to stop eavesdropping on Zack and his brother.

"H-hello?"

"H-hello?" The voice responded.

Aerith blinked. The voice sounded just like her. "To whom am I speaking to?"

The voice giggled, "Aeris, silly!"

Aerith blinked again. "Aeris? Who's that?"

"Aeris! She's alive?! Lemmie talk to her!" Zax jumped up, snatched up the phone from Aerith.

"Hi Aeris! Hi!"

The scene faded back to a confused-looking Zack and Aerith.

Zack: Sooo, you have a twin too.

Aerith: I-I guess…

Zack: And my twin…

Aerith: Is dating your twin…

Aerith and Zack: ooooh…that's creepy.

* * *

Zack: Now onto questions! First question is…for Zax. Okay… _can you eat ALL that gum from under the desk Sephiroth was hiding under?_

Everyone looked at Zax having his conversation with the girl on the phone.

Zax: No, you hang up…no, you! ….No, Aeris, you hang up!

Zack: WILL SOMEBODY HANG UP ALREADY.

Zax: Have to go babe. No, you hang up! …Yes, fine, I'll be there at nine...

…

…

…

Zax: I-I…love you too…

…

…

Zax: I love you too… (Mumble) Lily cake.

Everyone paused for a minute. The entire studio began to laugh.

Everyone: WHAT?!

Zax: Screw you. Screw you all.

Zack: Just answer the question!

Zax: Fine. What is it?

Zack: _Can you eat ALL that gum from under the desk Sephiroth was hiding under?_

Zax: Hell yes!

Zax went under Sephiroth's desk and disappeared.

Sephiroth: That is just nasty. Next question.

Zack: For Angeal. Hey Angeal! Somebody asked you a question!

Angeal came out from back stage, holding his wing being careful not to knock out any video equipment. Unfortunately, he did anyway.

Zack: _You... are the most unappreciated character EVER! (Not much as Kunsel... I love the guy! but his just a minor/info character D'X) unless of course... your paired with Genesis or Zack, The only straight you I've seen was you and Cissnei... your pretty unlucky._

Angeal: …That was a question?

Cissnei: That's gross! Angeal's like…forty! I am only…

Reno clapped his hands over Cissnei's mouth and dragged her away.

Zack: …Okay…next question…For Sephiroth: _Are you a really proud Mothers boy? To CC to FFVII (end) what did you get your mother for Mother's day?_

Everyone threw a strange look at Sephiroth. Everyone there knew this was a touchy subject…Everyone prepared for the bomb to drop…

Sephiroth:…A hat.

A little girl passed out in the audience.

Woman: He's so serious…!

Another woman: His mother, the woman he never knew existed was replaced with an alien!

Man: Who had her head chopped off in Crisis Core!

Girl: He got the alien head a hat!

Three fangirls: Sooooo sweet of him. (Swoon)

Cloud: Ohhoho…did I miss something here?

Zack: Just read the next question, I'm lazy.

Cloud: (looking at computer screen) Ah…let's see…for Jenova.

A loud crack of thunder boomed outside as the power flickered.

Aerith: That is mildly foreshowing of doom.

The power went off, making the set and stage a pitch black. A cold, ringing, voice echoed through the studio.

Jenova: …_Y e s_…?

Cloud cleared his throat as if nothing was really happening as Zack took safety under the desk his twin was enjoying his gum under.

Cloud: Oh yeah. Jenova, you have a fan. Here is your question. Jenova: _You are so freakin' hot and awesome. If you could be paired with anyone, what would it be?  
_

Jenova:_ …T h a t ...i s...e a s y. __I... w o u l d... e n j o y... b e i n g... p a i r e d... w i t h... C i d... H i g h w i n d._

Everyone: …GROSS!!

Jenova: _C a n ...y o u... n o t...s e e ...it?_

The room began to dangerously shake.

Everyone: WE CAN SEE IT!! WE CAN SEE IT!!

Jenova: _…G o o d._

* * *

The lights flickered back on and Zack came up from behind the desk. He had about six pieces of gum shoved in a matted mess of black hair.

Zack whispered to Zax, "I will get you."

Zax looked up with a real innocent look on his face, "I don't care. I'll be happy in the end."

Zack raised an eyebrow, "why is that?"

The twin gave a smug chuckle, "We won't look the same in the end" he sighed happily, "because you'll probably have to cut off _all_ your pretty hair."

Zack ripped at the gum caught up in his hair defensively, "N-no I won't!"

No matter how much Zack protested, the "magic words" were already said, and Zack had to take off in a rush to escape from the entire studio of women waving scissors around like…something you wave around a lot. Including fangirls and girlfriend wannabes… Zack was chased down the street by the entire female cast (except Miss Cloud) and the entire audience.

Cloud: I…guess…we cut to commercial.

Miss Cloud: Ahaha! '_Cut'_… Ha! I get it!

* * *

_(Commercial!)_

(Scene cuts to an empty spot were Tifa is supposed to be. Cloud inches in)

Cloud: Uh…hi…

Male audience: Hi.

Cloud: Okay…_ever got caught in a bind with nothing but a fork?_

Male audience: Heck yes!

Cloud: _Well, your worries are now over! I am going to show you this brand new—and improved—invention created by Shinra scientists that you can own for three easy payments of 899 Gil! Yes, only 899 Gil! It's called "Spork." It is a newly developed technology that is a fork __**AND**__ a spoon put together into one! Now, I know what you are thinking... "Will this work?"_

_Of course it works! "Spork" is easily used as a fork and a spoon all at the __**SAME TIME!**_

(The scene cuts to Vincent)

Vincent: …Do…you ever wish to have the comfort of home but in a compact version you can carry with you? Now you can. "Coffins" are the new and all the rage fashion of today's immortals. You can carry them everywhere. I am selling them cheap…so…get here quick. They come in traditional "wood" or the modern "funeral black." Do not waste time…they are going fast.

Cricket: …

Vincent: That good, huh?

Audience member: Oh yeah!

* * *

Barrett: What's our next question, foo'?

Cloud: For Rufus… Rufus_: IS THE ONE AND ONLY HUMAN DOG! NOW BARK OR DIE!_

Everyone turned to the man dressed in a white suit, taking his place from the light booth, sitting next to Zax at the desk, and folding his hands in his lap.

Rufus: Excuse me, but I do not take orders from fangirls…

He sipped at tea that somehow managed to appear in front of him.

Zax: How the hell did that get there?!

Rufus: I do not believe I answer questions from dimwits either…

Male audience: Ooooh…

Rufus: I shall take the liberty of reading the next question? For Zackary…(clears throat) Zack: _What the hell is Sephiroth like when he's drunk?_

At that moment Zack was bolting across the set, still yanking at the gum in his hair, a million fangirls had been picked up on the way…

Zack: (running and screaming) HE IS A ROMANTIC, VIOLENT DRUNK!! DON'T LET MEN NEAR HIM!! NEXT, QUESTION!!

Rufus: Okay…next question…For Cloud: _You hang out with Aerith in Advent Children more than you do with Tifa. You're cheating, aren't you? YOU'RE CHEATING WITH A DEAD GIRL!_

Cloud: Very good question. NEXT QUESTION!

Reno had managed to loose Cissnei in the millions of fangirls trying to catch Zack. He came onto the set.

Reno: Any for me?

Cloud: Uh…Yeah! For Reno_: do you look like a girl if you keep your hair down?_

Reno: (pulling at hair) Actually, I don't but I would prefer not to show…

Cissnei: (jumping out from nowhere) He's Axel! (Steals Reno's rubber band)

Ax—_Reno_: Dammit, get back here!

Cissnei: Not until you admit things…_AXEL_!

Ren—_Axel_: I am not _Axel_, get it memorized!

Cissnei: Not listening…_Lalalalala_!

Reno ran off stage, trying to catch Cissnei, who had disappeared back with the Zack fangirls—_somebody brought a machete._

Zack (offstage): Weren't you girls taught to not to run with scissors?!

Cloud: Uh…next…question? For everyone, well isn't that kind of them? To everybody: _Who is actually gay or dresses in Drag in your group? I'm betting my money on Reno..._

The entire audience did not look at Reno, but at Cloud.

Cloud: Look, it happened ONE TIME! One, freaking, TIME!

Sephiroth: Actually…if you do not mind me telling…the one that is both…is in fact, Hojo.

Vincent: EW. EW. EW.

Cloud: Hey! That explains all those "love markings" you have, Vincent!

Zack: SHIT. I was in that man's labs for…four years…oh! I lost my innocence!!

Cloud: You lost your innocence when you were fifteen, Zack.

Zack: Well…it sounded appropriate to say…

Cloud: FANGIRLS!!

Zack: Crap!!

Thousands of fangirls piled on top of Zack…a chainsaw started up.

* * *

…

…

Zax: Oh, this is even funnier than trying to take his place…well, I shall wait for Aeris and we will take over the show when that happens… (Evil chuckle) Until then, I shall continue to make fun of this twin of mine…

Aerith: Oh! In addition, remember to keep the questions coming in! Without questions, there is no show! So remember this you guys! The funnier they are the better! Okay? Prepare for awesomeness! Plus, I have a feeling that Zack's going to be a tad bit…moody…next show…

Zack: Freedom!

Fangirls: NO!

Aerith: On second thought, he's loose…I must go chase him now. Until next show! Bye-bye!

* * *

**_Episode 4! Yay! You guys are really awesome with questions! Keep it up, guys! Keep sending them in! I couldn't help with the girls trying to cut Zack's hair...surprisingly, a lot of girls want to do that. So I added it! Haha!_**

**_I don't own Final Fantasy VII or the main characters. (even though sometimes it'd be awesome if I did) If I did own them...I'd steal the Buster Sword. If I didn't...I'd still steal the Buster Sword._**


End file.
